Addiction: Looks Can Be Deceiving

I never thought that I would consider myself an alcoholic or an addict. It just didn’t fit my idea of what an addicted person looked like. I had a great job in which I was excelling, a successful marriage and 4 wonderful children. I didn’t even drink every day, for heaven’s sake! But I am here to tell anyone who will listen that having everything in the world and an outward appearance of someone in control of their life doesn’t mean anything when it comes to addiction.

My family history was uneventful – my parents are still married to this day (67 years and counting). They were incredibly supportive of all 4 of their children. Even with this supportive family of origin, I often felt set apart at school. I was an emotional, sensitive child, and I worried about many, many things. When I discovered in high school that I really liked how I felt after having a drink or two, I would seek out opportunities to party with my close group of girlfriends who liked to drink as much as I did. Now, looking back, I can recognize that I drank alcoholically from the beginning. I was chasing that intense euphoric rush I got when I drank. I binge drank almost every weekend, always with other people.

In college, I was focused on getting into law school. That drove me to achieve great grades while also being involved in many on-campus roles. I binged again, but not quite as often. I got into the law school I wanted, and upon entering I found a close group of friends and was good friends with many others. There was a culture of drinking in law school, starting on Thursday nights and going through the weekend. Since I observed that I was drinking like those around me, I had no idea that my drinking was becoming a problem. I experienced a great deal of anxiety in law school, laced with depression, during my first year. In the early 90’s, there was little understanding of mental health. Drinking allowed me to numb myself to the intense feelings of overwhelm, so I turned to it often.

Upon graduating and passing the bar, I landed the job I was aspiring to as an assistant public defender. The anxiety and overwhelmed feelings came back with a vengeance. My case load was brutally high and I took on too much emotionally because I could not separate myself from the plight of my clients. Numbing seemed like a good idea, and this was dressed up as being social. Drinking and smoking pot gave me temporary relief from these feelings, so my substance abuse increased.

I became involved in a serious relationship, which led to my first marriage and the birth of my 2 children. Unfortunately, that relationship was seriously co-dependent. I took on everything, being the sole support for the family. My then-husband was a narcissist who took advantage of my tendency to handle everything. He was a stay-at-home dad who took on only enough to keep me from being constantly angry. My drinking abated for a while, but it was replaced with marijuana since that was his drug of choice. Every night I would come home from work and get stoned before fixing dinner for everyone.

After 8 years of marriage, I ended it because I could no longer ignore his neglect of our children. It was a high-conflict divorce that dragged on for almost 2 years; soon after separation I had to obtain a domestic violence protective order. Then, my younger son was diagnosed with autism. I had more and more stress bearing down on me. At this point, I started binge-drinking again and augmenting with pot. My substance use increased rapidly, but still with no external consequences.

I met my husband during this time and we immediately became serious. He is a wonderful man – patient and kind, without an addicted bone in his body. My substance use moderated, likely because I was in this truly equal partnership that greatly reduced my stress. But by this time, I was addicted to pot use – many times I tried to quit but I just couldn’t get it to stick. This is when the lying started. I lied over and over again to him to hide my substance abuse. Even with that, I continued to excel in my career, switching from trial work to executive management in state government.

Then COVID came along. All bets were off as a consequence. My binge-drinking became frequent and serious. By this time, I was blacking out almost every time I drank. Often, I would wake up with a terrible hangover and bruises I couldn’t explain. I began to injure myself. I couldn’t control how much I drank – I would drink while blacked out. My children saw me in bad shape on more than one occasion. The morning after a binge, I would rack my brain to try to figure out what I had done the night before. Shame and embarrassment became a constant emotional state for me. I would swear that I wouldn’t drink like that again – only to do the same thing a day or two later.

I tried to control my drinking, playing games like timing how often I could have the next drink, or making myself drink a glass of water between cocktails. It didn’t work. My drinking continued to escalate. Near the end of my drinking, I had two instances of driving drunk. I was immensely lucky not to have hurt anyone else or get busted for DWI. But it was only a matter of time. Substances (especially alcohol) now controlled my life.

My husband was increasingly concerned about me – but I wouldn’t listen to him. I was still trying to control my drinking. I managed a dry month, and I noticed that I felt much better not drinking. But as soon as that month was over, I started back and I was drinking just as hard as before.

Events came to a head on a week-long visit to the beach with a girlfriend from law school. I had a binge-drinking episode during which I became extremely angry that my husband tried to keep me from drinking during the blackout. The next morning, she talked to me about how scary it was to see me that way. Coming from another heavy drinker, I finally realized that I had to stop. That morning, I sat on the beach and wept. I didn’t know what I was going to do – I knew that I had to stop, but I couldn’t imagine my life without drinking. I was devastated.

That’s when the Lawyer Assistance Program came to mind. Later that day, I got on the LAP website and started looking for answers. I found a chart there about the progression of the disease of alcoholism. I thought I would be in the first few steps at the most – but I realized quickly that I was near the bottom chart – my disease had progressed and serious professional, legal and physical injury were the next steps. That stopped me cold.

I picked up the phone and asked for help. It was a really hard call to make, but I also had a feeling of great relief. From there, I was connected to Nicki Ellington, one of LAP’s amazing counselors, who confirmed that I would never be able to drink normally. She connected me to another female lawyer in long-term recovery who met with me. She shared her story with me and I realized I was not alone and that there was a better life in sobriety waiting for me. This woman became my sponsor and continues to be that to this day.

I was also connected to a therapist in long-term recovery. Very quickly, I began to work the steps with my sponsor, attend weekly LAP support group meetings and go to AA meetings. Since the pandemic was still going on, I started this all through virtual meetings. I also found sober podcasts, listening to them constantly. Through those, I was exposed to a lot of stories that were similar to mine. I was glad that I didn’t have to hit a lower bottom to come to my senses.

At first, I was unwilling to call myself an alcoholic or an addict. Instead, my sponsor let me know that it was OK to simply say that I was someone who wanted to quit drinking. Letting me come to the decision to identify as an alcoholic/addict was important. It gave me agency over my recovery. Steps 1 and 2 were taken easily, but Step 3 was a mental/emotional roadblock for me. I was very reluctant to let go of control (or the illusion of it). After working on Step 3 for a couple of weeks, I was willing to let my Higher Power take the wheel – and what relief I felt! It was truly amazing and it felt nothing like what I feared it would mean. Soon after, I began identifying myself as an alcoholic/addict.

Step 4 became my next roadblock – but as soon as I completed my inventory, I was able to see that my life had been ruled by fear of all kinds! In taking my 5th Step with my sponsor, I was able to unburden myself from the shame that went along with my drinking and using. I felt an amazing sense of freedom after speaking out loud my deepest, darkest secrets to another human being. While I still had regrets, I no longer felt isolated and alone.

As I progressed through the rest of the steps, I began to feel lightness in my soul. I made amends to those I had harmed, and I continue to perform a living amends by my family through being open and honest with them about whatever is going on in our lives. I was done with lying – I lied easily during my active addiction. I didn’t have an appreciation about much lying harmed me until I stopped.

Since becoming sober over 4+ years ago, I have been able to be present and helpful for many family crises. My son became psychotic and had to withdraw from college. His psychosis was triggered by marijuana use. I was able to support him (in a loving and detached way) as he went through treatment and recovery. I was able to make it through his estrangement when he became irate with me and my husband. And just recently my mother received a terminal cancer diagnosis. If I were not sober, I would not be able to helpful during these events (and others).

I continue to attend LAP meetings and AA meetings twice a week. I speak regularly with my sponsor and other AA friends. I monitor a law student in recovery and speak to law school classes as part of LAP. I perform service work in my homegroup by chairing and leading meetings and taking on service positions.

My life has opened up – addiction leads to isolation and a small, painful life. I traded that terrible future for one in which I am happy, healthy, and free. I owe so much of it to the amazing support of LAP.

If you are questioning whether you have a problem with substance abuse, I encourage you to reach out to LAP right away. They are an amazing resource that can sensitively and confidentially help you work through those issues. Help is just a phone call away.