Practice Perspective

In Step 1, I had to admit my powerlessness over alcohol to stop trying to manage, control, and fix my condition. After years of heavy drinking and trying a host of self-reliant solutions for my problem, I had to admit to myself that I had no control over my condition. The admission of that allowed me to find a better solution to my problem, and that solution has worked for nearly 16 years.

In Step 2, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And in Step 3, I turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.

Being an assistant public defender is a very demanding job. Caseloads are extremely heavy, clients are often in critical condition, and there are innumerable ethical boundaries and structural constraints. Managing a caseload of 300 cases requires me to use honesty, hope, and faith every single day.

When I am driving to work, I admit honestly that I am powerless over people, places and things. Reminding myself of this keeps me from trying to control anything other than my emotional stability. I have no control over my boss, my coworkers, prosecutors, and especially clients. I show up every day to do my best and then I go home. When I have emotional strain, I pray and ask God for peace, and I call someone in recovery and let them know how I am doing. This phone call usually occurs right after I get off work. The people in my recovery network, some of whom are lawyers and judges, help me to navigate being in such a demanding job and a person of long-term recovery. No matter what I face, I have a record of how the God of my understanding has always seen me through. I refer back to all He has done when I face the valleys of being an attorney, particularly a public defender. I encounter so many people who could benefit from a program of spirituality, but I remind myself daily, “Not my business, that’s God’s business. Even the challenges, and challenging individuals, God uses for my good, and as long as I leave it all in His care, He will handle of whatever it is and He will handle whoever they are in His way and in His timing. He can do and has done more about my problems than I ever could. He has never failed me and He won’t start now….”