By Robynn Moraites, Cathy Killian, Nicki Ellington and Candace Hoffman
Once upon a time, 40+ years ago, a lawyer made a mistake on a legal matter and had a big “Oh no!” moment. He thought about the mistake from every angle for days. He could not figure out how to fix it. He was in a panic and consumed with shame. He ruminated; he speculated; he predicted that he would be a laughingstock in his small-town legal community. He concluded the only rational course of action was suicide. Fortunately, he was a LAP client at the time. He told his LAP mentor about the mistake he had made. His LAP mentor said, “That’s what you have liability insurance for – for when you make a mistake.”
This thought had never crossed the lawyer’s mind. He notified his liability insurance carrier who was able to orchestrate a claim repair. The lawyer went on to become a LAP volunteer a few years after that pivotal incident and enjoyed a long and happy life and productive career. This much-beloved, long-time LAP volunteer died a few years ago, but his story lives on, because it provides such rich fodder for discussion.
We all make mistakes – even excellent, well-seasoned lawyers. If you practice law long enough, you are bound to make a mistake. It happens. Whether we respond in a healthy or unhealthy way when we realize we have made a mistake depends on many factors. Some of the internal factors that contribute to a lawyer being hard on himself/herself might be insecurity, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, anxiety, or a history of emotional abuse from one’s family of origin. Interestingly, family of origin pressure to achieve often results in many lawyers holding the perfectionistic belief that a good performance equates to being a good person or lawyer, and a mistake equates to being a bad person or lawyer. The degree to which we have our personal sense of worth and value wrapped up in our professional identity and accomplishments has a dramatic impact on how we respond to making a mistake.
First, a word about mistakes in general. When we are young, and as we mature, making mistakes is an integral part of the learning process. We, as a culture, however, have rejected this notion to the point that our educational system stigmatizes making mistakes, thereby stifling creativity. (For a discussion with a unique perspective, see Sir Ken Robinson’s Ted Talk on the topic https://youtu.be/iG9CE55wbtY?si=tzRqSMSOFEYo9naU).
As lawyers and judges, we excelled in an academic setting that stigmatized making mistakes. So we already have one strike against us when we make a mistake, emotionally and psychologically speaking, because that is our baseline orientation. Brooks Greenberg observed, “As a profession, law seems uniquely capable of making intelligent people feel foolish and talented people feel inadequate.”
Regular readers of this column know that I often write about the inner critic. The inner critic drives our perfectionistic, achievement-oriented tendencies that lead us to great academic and professional success. But the inner critic has a dark side. It drives the feeling of imposter syndrome and can wreak havoc when we make a mistake, causing us to overreact, think irrationally, or do things that make the problem worse.
Another strike against us, or a set-up to overreact when we make a mistake, is the fact that we operate in an adversarial, competitive profession that values winning and stigmatizes almost everything else, especially vulnerability, weakness, or mistakes. Due to the adversarial and competitive nature of the profession, others can leverage our mistakes and take advantage of them. This all begins in law school where individual performance in a forced-curve environment transforms us from collaborative colleagues with each other to ruthless competitors with one another. In addition, we are higher on the negativity bias scale, and while some of this is necessary for survival, lawyers have it in spades. A Johns Hopkins study found that optimism outperformed pessimism in every occupational field except the legal field. It is no surprise that the moment we recognize we have made a mistake, all our professionally-embedded alarm bells start ringing – frantically.
Panic starts to set in.
What makes all of that worse – yes, it can get worse – is the degree to which we have our personal value and worthiness wrapped up in our professional identity. Enter shame. In this context, we internalize our professional mistake as a personal failing. Shame of this type is marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure. While our inner critic might not say this to us verbatim, the internal feeling is: I AM a mistake, rather than the more accurate proposition: I MADE a mistake.
Panic and shame. A one-two punch. Panic and shame can create a vicious cycle that builds upon itself, each feeling spurring the other. These reactions can lead us to want to avoid a situation by putting our head in the sand, pretending it does not exist or that it will somehow resolve itself. Or, kind of like spinning wheels in mud, it can lead us to waste time working too long on an issue because we don’t trust ourselves. Wanting to escape the feelings of panic and shame can also lead us to numb out with alcohol, drugs, or unhealthy “coping skills” that are really self-destructive kinds of behavior.
When looking at suicide risk, researchers have identified attorneys who die by suicide are 91% more likely than other deaths by suicide to have job problems that contributed to their death. Some elements involved in suicides, but especially relevant to our discussion here, are the presence of:
1) distorted thinking (all-or-nothing thinking; overgeneralization; personalization);
2) rumination (particularly when self-critical, unproductive);
3) maladaptive schemas (a sense of inherent worthlessness); and
4) hopelessness.
With all that in mind, we can better see how suicide seemed like a “rational conclusion” for our volunteer all those years ago. He was a new client and had not yet established a well-developed set of coping mechanisms or a strong LAP support system to recognize and counteract what was truly an irrational thought process. So what do we do to counteract some of these strikes against us that can be such a set-up?
Before an “Oh No” Moment
By employing these practices now, before we make a mistake, we will have built up some reserves in our emotional savings account and will be better equipped to deal with a mistake when we have our next “Oh No!” moment. Let’s take a three-pronged approach.
- Recognize your inherent worth.
The first task is to recognize we are far more than our jobs. It is essential that we find ways to identify and feel our inherent worth and value separate and apart from our professional accomplishments. There are many approaches we can take, but what they have in common is that they connect us to the larger reality of life, while at the same time stir something deep within our souls, reaching beyond our professional persona. They also give us the perspective that the world is so much bigger than just our experience. Each suggestion is taken from real-life experiences by LAP clients and volunteers over the years.
Spend significant time in nature to decompress and reconnect with ourselves. One LAP volunteer takes back country hiking trips (read: no bathrooms or cell service) several times a year. See https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2016_3/reboots.html. Another finds solace working in the garden. Another goes sailing for 3-4 weeks every year. Still another is devoted to horseback riding and jumping competitions.
Develop a hobby and cultivate outside interests. Discover what enthralls you. Lose yourself in something fun where you can be in the moment and even act like a kid again. One LAP volunteer was struck by how much fun it was to do something she wasn’t very good at doing. The pressure was off – no one expected her watercolor daubings to be anything other than attempts. She observed that “lawyers as a whole aren’t good at hobbies—it goes against our competitive grain. We don’t want to play golf; we want to be the best on the course….In recovery, I now know… It’s a strength to be curious and to be willing to try new things, especially without expectations of immediate mastery.” See https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2024-3/nonsense.html.
Connect with community. Finding ways to connect with others outside of work is key. It forces us to develop aspects of ourselves other than our professional skills and persona. One lawyer has developed a practice of never saying he is a lawyer when he finds himself in new social settings with people he does not know. If asked what he does, he deflects and says something like, “I try not to think or talk about work when I’m not there…I’d much rather talk about…(and he always comes prepared with 2 or 3 alternative topics, like his last vacation or his kids’ latest happening).” This practice flies in the face of most business development consultants’ advice but leads to a more balanced and happier life.
End the work day. In our post-Covid, work-from-home world, it is more important than ever to make sure we are doing things that signal the end of the workday and the transition to home life. It helps if we have a designated office where we can exit, closing the door behind us, as we transition to a different area of the house. Other suggestions include changing clothes or walking around the block. Minimize cell phone time after hours or consider the radical approach of having a separate cell phone for work that you truly ignore after hours.
Volunteer. Volunteering can help get us out of ourselves. The suggestion here is based on a practice of volunteering in a capacity other than that of a lawyer. The goal is to connect with others by doing meaningful activities that align with our personal values.
Identify values and create a life reflective of those. By identifying overarching values and finding ways to create a full life reflective of those values, we begin to internalize and understand that our jobs as lawyers and judges are just one aspect of our total selves.
Establish and practice good boundaries. Boundaries are all about our behavior. Whether it’s ending the workday at a reasonable time or establishing a routine of returning after-hours calls the first thing the next morning, boundaries help establish a routine around our work life. This, in turn, creates more room for our non-work life.
Redefine your definition of success/achievement. Often, we have taken on others’ definition of success and achievement. For example, we may be driven to make partner at our firm because of spoken or unspoken pressure from our family of origin. Or we may be so caught up in the culture of our practice setting that we are unconsciously driven to meet unrealistic expectations set for us by others. It’s a surprisingly powerful exercise to examine and identify what is driving us. That gives us the power to consciously choose other motivations – even if our day-to-day work does not change. An exercise like this can have a profound impact on our daily experience of our work. One of our LAP volunteers detailed how a shift in perspective, asking before each client meeting how he may be of maximum service, revolutionized his day-to-day practice. See https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2018_3/practice_perspective.html.
Give yourself permission to do all the things suggested here. Lawyers are skeptical. We often ignore these kinds of suggestions until we hit a wall and are forced to try something different. There is a slogan in recovery: act your way into a new way of thinking. We do not fully grasp the power and value of any of these suggestions until we start doing them. - Regulate the nervous system
The second prong of this three-pronged approach is employing strategies to regulate our nervous systems. These suggestions are universally applicable, and daily practice now will better allow us quick access in the event we make a mistake.
Calm down. We will be ineffective unless we find ways to calm down. Square breathing techniques can help our nervous system remain regulated. Inhale to the count of four, hold for four, exhale to the count of six, and hold for six. Repeat a couple of times periodically throughout the day.
Practice grounding techniques. Get up from your desk, step outside and stretch with the sun on your face for just two minutes before you return to the problem at hand. One of the benefits of working from home is easy access to our pets. Take a few minutes to sit with your pet and just be in the moment. Don’t have a pet? You can try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to ground you in your senses. Working backward from 5, use your senses to list things you notice around you:
• 5 things you see
• 4 things you hear
• 3 things you can touch/feel
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste
Make an effort to notice the little things you might not always pay attention to, such as the color of the flecks in the carpet or the hum of your computer. Even something as simple as running cold water over our hands and noticing the sensation can serve as a grounding technique that helps calm our nervous system. - Become aware of thought patterns
The third prong of this three-pronged approach is to become aware of our thought patterns that lead to panic and shame.
Self-monitor. Pay attention to times, situations, and events that may cause more negative feelings and self-judgment. Identify times or situations where you might be more vulnerable (i.e., preparing for trial, writing a brief, learning a new skill). If you struggle to notice any patterns, you can journal when the negative emotions/self-judgment are high to see what you find. The more we increase our awareness, the more we will be able to redirect our thoughts and better prepare for times of high vulnerability.
Question your assumptions. We often develop certain beliefs or assumptions about ourselves, our performance or our expectations that get in the way of our functioning. We can ask ourselves some questions about these assumptions, exploring their validity. For example, the belief might be, if I don’t perform perfectly without any mistakes then I am a terrible attorney. We could ask ourselves, is this thought based in fact or is it originating from a feeling? What evidence supports or does not support this belief? Are there other ways this experience could be interpreted? What would you tell someone else (your child, a friend) if they had the same belief?
Conduct a cost benefit analysis. Conducting a cost benefit analysis of continuing with faulty beliefs can lead us to alternative thinking. Ask yourself what you get out of this belief? And what does it cost you? What could be the long-term effects of maintaining this belief? Is this belief limiting your life? Is it impacting the people around you? Answering these questions may bring you closer to being willing to change if you realize the negative impact it is having on your life. And this exercise may be something you need to do for different beliefs or do repeatedly about a singular belief.
Adopt alternative beliefs. Brainstorm possible alternative beliefs instead of remaining entrenched in what isn’t working for you. For example, if your belief is that if I leave a job before a year, no matter the reason, it will look like I’m flighty to future employers. Come up with alternative narratives such as
1) leaving a job that you don’t enjoy or is toxic takes courage and bravery.
2) When unhealthy work practices became evident, it is a positive thing to prioritize your well-being leading to stability.
3) You took a risk and it didn’t work out the way you thought it would, which means nothing about who you are.
4) Having a learning experience from a job is a marketable trait to future employers.
Recruit help. When you cannot figure out if your belief/assumption is based in fact or feeling, recruit help. Talk to a trusted person. Tell them what you think and see what they think. Accept their assessment because you trust them, even if you struggle to apply it.
In the event of an “Oh No” moment
When that moment comes, we have a choice as to how we navigate and respond. Ripping ourselves a new one is not going to change the fact that the mistake has happened, but that reaction can cause us to make the situation worse. Instead, we can choose to navigate with self-compassion and kindness. Here are some suggestions:
Remain calm. Practice those nervous system regulation techniques that help ground you in the moment.
Address the inner critic. Saying something to ourselves like, “I realize I may have made a mistake. I appreciate that you are just trying to protect me by amping up. Thank you for your help. I am taking care of it now. I promise I will call on you when I need you.” Sometimes just directly acknowledging that part of ourselves helps to calm it down. We have an excellent podcast episode with Laura Mahr demonstrating a step-by-step response to the inner critic after a mistake. See Befriend Yourself. https://www.nclap.org/captivate-podcast/24-befriend-yourself/
Periodic reminders. We will most likely have to continue to address the inner critic voice as we work through the situation over the coming days, weeks, or sometimes months. Remembering and saying to ourselves, “I made a mistake; I am not a mistake,” can help us remain on a more even keel emotionally.
Speak to a partner in your firm about the situation. It may be that with close analysis you determine you did not make a mistake after all. But sometimes you have clearly made a mistake. It is then necessary to determine whether the mistake is material or immaterial. It is important to get someone else’s perspective on the situation in making this determination.
Contact your liability carrier. If you and the partner determine you did indeed make a material mistake, contact your liability carrier to explain what has happened. I have been surprised to learn how effective the claims repair process can be if communication is initiated as soon as possible. While not a guarantee of any outcome, the general rule of thumb is the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to fix. Your liability carrier can help you navigate from that point forward. For an excellent discussion and some in-depth practical advice, see the Lawyers Mutual article entitled, “Own Your Mistakes But Don’t Fall On Your Sword.” https://lawyersmutualnc.com/article/own-your-mistakes-but-dont-fall-on-your-sword/
Contact the ethics department. Prior to taking action, consider contacting the State Bar’s ethics department for advice on your professional responsibility in the situation. Bear in mind, you may need to contact the ethics department for guidance as to your professional obligations as the situation unfolds. All calls to the ethics department are confidential. Make sure to document the actions you take based on the guidance you receive from the ethics department.
Self-efficacy is an individual’s belief in their capacity to face challenges competently. By employing these techniques, we will build self-efficacy. We will recover and rebound more quickly, taking the approach that we can learn from our mistakes and that our mistakes do not define us. Moreover, responding to ourselves in this way not only builds self efficacy, it builds self-compassion. And self-compassion leads to greater compassion for others, allowing us to be more compassionate when a lawyer in our firm comes to us seeking guidance when having made a mistake.
While we all wish we didn’t, the truth is that we all have “Oh No!” moments. Hopefully this article provides some useful guidance you can call on the next time you find yourself in one of those moments.