My Monsters are Real

I took my first serious drink when I was 13 years old. It was the perfect solution for a kid that did not feel comfortable in his own skin. I grew up under the roof of an abusive, mentally-ill father. We were poor, and that just complicated my self-esteem issues even more. Alcohol removed all those feelings. Those feelings would only get worse with the eventual murder-suicide of my parents. I was present at that event. A large dose of PTSD, anxiety, and depression were now added to my life.

I managed to graduate high school and get into a good college, despite drinking and drugging whenever I could. I did not think I had a problem; I was just partying and having a good time like everyone else. Now, looking back, I realize I did have a problem. I never just had a few drinks. I drank to get drunk, every time. The only consequence I saw was the falling of my grades at the first university. I knew I had to change something, so I transferred and immersed myself in my studies. I knew I wanted to go to law school, and good grades were required. Easy fix. I was able to finish college and got accepted to a highly ranked law school. I eventually graduated and passed the bar on my first attempt. I always seemed to be able to control my drinking and drugging to accomplish the goals that I had; therefore, I was convinced I did not have a problem.

Fast forward. I am a practicing criminal defense lawyer. I am married to a toxic woman, and I have children. I have a house and I have significant bills. The stressors are piling up on me. On top of it, I am in a rape trial, and I need the private investigator our firm uses to testify. He is not responding to any communications. He is also needed in a capital murder case which is taking place in the courtroom next to the courtroom I am in. As it turns out, he’s not responding to calls because he is dead. He had killed his wife and committed suicide in his home. This man was a friend of mine. We had been all over the state interviewing witnesses in various cases. I guess lightning does strike twice. To add insult to injury, my boss volunteered me to the court to be the one to go into his house with another private investigator and retrieve all the confidential files related to open cases he was working on. There was still evidence of the crime in the house. This proved to be too much for me and my alcoholism.

I began drinking every day. I would lie to my wife and say I was working late while I was ponied up to the bar drinking. Soon I found cocaine and was quickly addicted to that as well. I would be out until 2 or 3 in the morning doing “jail visits.” My performance as an attorney began to suffer and the bar complaints were piling up. My marriage was on the rocks and my home was in foreclosure. One day I got a call from the attorney at the State Bar who was handling all of my Bar complaints. She wanted me to come in and have an informal conversation. This was the first time I admitted that I was having issues with substances, and she pointed me to the Lawyer Assistance Program.

I went under contract with LAP. I had to attend weekly meetings, go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and get a sponsor. I got sober. Life got better. I completed my contract with LAP, and I worked four of the 12 Steps of AA. I stopped going to AA. I stopped having participation in the LAP program. I managed to put together ten dry years without a drink or a drug. Then one night, on the way to a college basketball game with some friends, we made a stop and picked up a 12 pack of beer for the road. One got handed back to me. I told myself it had been ten years since I had had a drink, so surely I wasn’t an alcoholic. That started a four-year relapse. I eventually wound up divorced and estranged from my children. Being free from my wife and family, I was finally able to drink and drug like I wanted. You see, for me addiction is the monster waiting outside the house for a chance to enter if I let it. Things continued to progress. I was drinking every day again. I was not making my court appearances. When I would go to court, I was doing the bare minimum. This meant getting my cases continued quickly and leaving the courthouse by 11am so I could be at a bar drinking. I had a car wreck one night while in a blackout and found myself arrested for the first time in my life. I was lucky I had not killed someone. It was not the wake up call I needed. I continued to drink. Things got so bad that I checked myself into a detox center and reached back out to LAP.

LAP was my savior and got me placed in a rehab facility. Going to rehab was one of the best decisions of my life. I was in rehab for almost three months before COVID shut down the facility. I was released to a world in lockdown with no live AA meetings, and unfortunately, the best intentions were not enough to keep me sober. I went out and started drinking again. At one point I was living in a hotel. Make no mistake about it—even though you have a roof over your head, when you are living in a hotel, you are homeless. I was slowly killing myself. My liver was not doing well, and I was also diabetic. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was time to reach back out to LAP. Sometimes it just takes us a while to see the way.

This time I gave myself to the program. I signed another contract between LAP, the court, and the State Bar. I was again facing grievances. I was subject to random drug and alcohol screens. This time I was all in when it came to LAP and AA. I got a sponsor. I have worked the steps of AA (all 12 of them this time, not just the first four). I have done my best to carry the message of surviving addiction to others. I have undergone therapy and treatment to address my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I was able to forgive my father. I have learned that setting boundaries is not only normal, but also necessary. Setting boundaries may have saved me a lot of trouble in the past had I chosen to do so. I have learned it is OK to ask for help, to admit defeat. I have learned to take the cotton out of my ears and to listen to what others who are sober have to say because my way usually is not the best way. I have learned I need to always participate in AA and LAP because I never want to forget the monster of addiction that lies inside of me, waiting just outside the door.

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