Tips and Tricks for Surviving (and Maybe Even Enjoying…) the Holidays

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? As much as the decorations, music, holiday movies, and sweets might put us in a festive spirit, the holidays can also be associated with increased stress, difficult family relationships, and high-risk situations for those recovering from alcohol problems (i.e. that company holiday party where there’s an open bar). Sure, we all know what the holidays supposed to be about, but it is inevitable that the family dinners, the mall, and the Elf on the Shelf (why did I ever start doing that!) are happening as well.

Typically this time of year, Cathy and I have very meaningful and important discussions with a lot of the lawyers we work with about how they engage in self-care and get through the holidays in a healthy, mindful way. I definitely found there to be some themes, so here are some of their top tips:

• The concept that came up most frequently when having this discussion was expectations. There’s a line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says, “My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity.” This seems relatable to alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike. The people in your life have shown you who they are already. Why would we expect them to act any differently just because it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Chanukkah? One of the most beneficial aspects is to adjust our expectations to be realistic, rather than idealistic. This first requires us to let go of expecting our relatives to be who and what we want them to be. Having done so, we can then accept them for who they are and establish a healthier relationship based on that. Expecting certain behaviors, attitudes, or actions from family is our indirect way of trying to change and/or control them. While it may take a Herculean effort, we need to strive for tolerance, respect, and acceptance. Difficult because nobody better than family can get us to shorten that Serenity Prayer into “God, grant me the ability to change the things I cannot accept.” And while it may sound counterintuitive, Melody Beattie assures us we can “Unhook from their systems by refusing to try and control them.”
  
  
• One LAP volunteer talked about pretending like his family dinner was a reality TV show and he was just a consumer watching. Detaching from the event allows us to feel more in control of our emotions and our experiences. Another LAP volunteer reminded us that social media can be a vortex for setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations. Your high school classmate’s perfect family picture in front of the Christmas tree or your coworker’s attendance at a zillion holiday events around town is just a snapshot from their lives, not necessarily a depiction of reality. Everyone has their own stuff behind the scenes; someone in every photo is dealing with a family member with dementia, an alcoholic or an addict, a health crisis, a job loss, or a custody battle. We’ve all got stuff, so practice detaching from that Facebook stream by staying grounded in your reality instead.
  
  
• Boundaries. Yes, we talk about this ALL THE TIME and yes, they still apply during the holiday season. It is okay to say no. You don’t need a reason. All you have to say is, “I’m unavailable.” Even with family. If you know your family situation is going to cause you too much emotional stress and anxiety that will cause long-lasting effects on your overall health and well-being, it isn’t worth it. Missing out on one holiday dinner will not be the end of the world. Some find meeting on “neutral ground,” such as a restaurant for a holiday meal instead of someone’s home works out best. Some LAP volunteers talked about creating new traditions to break away from past disasters. If they have to do battle, they pick and choose their battles wisely, and then, and only then, if it is the only way to avoid another family world war. Now, if your family is not particularly used to you setting boundaries, or even if they are, you may experience some push back. Talk to a support person about it before, during, and after saying no. The people that love us and understand our commitment to wellness can help us continue to think it through when saying no causes emotional turmoil. And, it’s okay if you have a last minute change of heart. Maybe you committed to that company holiday party and now leading up to it you aren’t sure you are ready for that type of event. If you can let the host know, great. If not, you can ask for forgiveness later. Your health and sanity come before etiquette.
  
  
• I know this is cliché, but having an attitude of gratitude can make a huge difference. Our volunteers talked about trying to stay focused on what the holidays are all about and being grateful for the family you have. Find your own special ways to celebrate the season and try to do something to give back to others. For example, one volunteer I spoke with donates blood every Christmas Eve day.
  
  
• Being mindful of your thoughts, emotions, and the things you can control. Try not to ruminate or dwell on situations or conversations that didn’t go the way you wanted. Recognizing you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings or reactions. One attorney shared that he and his wife practiced different responses to difficult conversations he might have with family members during the holiday.
  
  
• Have a plan. If there are events that you have agreed to go to and when you get there you feel uncomfortable, leave. Have an exit strategy. Drive yourself. Have a readymade reason to leave. Have a support person on speed dial. Plan to attend or at least know where the local 12 step meetings are. Even if you don’t anticipate having a difficult time at your scheduled holiday events, talk to your support people about the event prior to, just in case.
  
  
• Last, but not least, surround yourself with positive support. Schedule that phone call with your best friend, hit a few extra 12 step meetings, make a point to have lunch with a close colleague, plan a date night. When the holidays don’t bring exceptional amounts of cheer, avoid isolating.

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